My very good friend MS wrote this as the first couple of pages in his book “Surviving”. I do not take any credit for the content, and as such, cannot take any flack for it either.
SURVIVING: Your essential guide to navigating life’s trickier experiences
Each day we are faced with situations that beg of us superhuman levels of restraint.
SURVIVING offers you tips on getting through it all. You’ll swoon at the genius of these ideas. You’ll thrill as situations you always thought were impossible suddenly become manageable. You’ll retch as you realize how easy it all is.
SURVIVING is a non-denominational, high-profit organization that subscribes to a magpie philosophy: we take a touch of Zen Buddhism, a smidgeon of Hebrew Kabbalah, and mix it with a steaming pile of horseshit to create an unrivalled modern-life philosophy. Forget therapy, forget personal training, forget Atkins: this guide will improve your life!
1. Thursdays
Thursdays blow ass. Honestly, what a limp cock of a day. Not Germanic enough to be a productive, middle-of-the-week day, and certainly not fun enough to be a day you could actually go drinking on. Thursday is the quiche of the week. SURVIVING suggests heroin on Thursdays, or, as it is known in Scotland, “ ‘eroin onThursdays, youse cunts”. A selective and controlled heroin habit never hurt anyone, and should you manage to limit your intake to Thursdays only, you should be fine. However, should you find yourself in six months time on a windy street corner wearing a faded ‘Frankie says relax’ t-shirt, mouthing the words ‘I’ll suck you for four rand, dad’ don’t blame SURVIVING: exercise some fucking self-control!
2. Fanilows
Fanilows are some of the most perplexing creatures on earth… exhibiting unreliable consciousness, and paradoxical periods of over-enthusiasm (i.e. around The Barry, prescription meds, fruit machines), they confuse even those closest to them: their caregivers, their medical sundries suppliers, their long-suffering cleaners. This unpredictability makes them dangerous. Our advice for surviving them is: controlled bursts of small-arms fire.
Shooting can be very cathartic, especially when the collateral damage includes caregivers, medical sundries sales staff and genealogically dubious cleaners.
3. Josh Groban
There is no surviving the cauliflower-haired crooner. SURVIVING suggests that, should you ever face a situation in which it is either Groban or death, you should choose death. No matter how grisly the death, it is better than Groban. Death by allergic reaction to duck down would be more pleasant than this Oprah-bothering, Kenny G-level security threat. Death by prolonged exposure to an emo fashion fanzine editing staff would be preferable to the dulcet tones of this gimlet-eyed MOR moron.
4. Death
Death is one of those phenomena that have a tenacious aura of finality about them. This is not to be believed: you can survive death. The problem is that your post-death activities will be limited to opening and shutting doors in short, jerky movements, moving dining room chairs around in an impressive but ultimately pointless manner, and ‘appearing’ to family members, clad consistently in flowing white cheesecloth. Thus, while surviving death is possible, it is, by all accounts, bone-rattlingly dull, and not advisable.
5. Traumatic footage of world disasters on tv
This one’s easy: try to think of naked women throughout. If you are a woman, you can participate by getting naked, safe in the knowledge that 49% of the population is thinking of you… However, this should not be interpreted as an excuse to stop cooking.
6. Slow downloads
The safest, and best way to survive these is to have images of naked women in a handy folder that a small, surreptitious hand movement will magically call forth form the depths of your hard drive. If you are a woman, see SURVIVAL TIP 5.
7. People who quote Austin Powers
SURVIVING suggests that surviving these quasi-evolved bitch-slap-magnets shouldn’t be our top priority: preventing their procreation should. Should you happen upon one of these poster children for mediocrity, you should hastily quarantine them, to prevent further contact with others they may meet, begin to influence or heaven forbid bump uglies with. Then neutralize their ability to reproduce: this can be done with intelligent use of a standard household microwave, a parabolic reflector and a bottle of antifreeze.
8. People who quote the Bible
Surviving the God-botherer is tricky. A handshake, a friendly nod, even the most innocuous eye contact can be (and frequently is) interpreted as a sign that your mortal soul needs rescuing, a process that requires the purchasing of expensive trinkets and badly-Photoshopped ‘literature’.
Conversely, ignoring members of the Lord Horde, or deliberately appearing grumpy, cross or homicidal to dissuade their involvement may, conversely, elicit the exact same unwanted attention. Our suggestion is: pretend to be more devout than them: if they’ve spoken to God, you’ve got the big guy on speed dial; if they’ve had a revelation, you’ve had Our Lady of Fatima-level visitations; if they say ‘Praise Jesus’ after every phrase from Pastor Ray’s lips, you say ‘Praise, glory and honour be to everyone in the Trinity plus aspects of your blessed Godhood we’re not yet familiar with’. This will simultaneously impress and intimidate them, leaving you a few moments in which to make a well-timed escape. To a bar.
9. South African politicians
More than those form any other nation, South African politicians are difficult to fathom. Literally, because they speak so poorly. At any given moment it is impossible to determine whether a South African politician is offering an excuse for poor service delivery, shifting the blame for massive incompetence, or declaring war on everything and anything that isn’t Jacob Zuma. SURVIVING suggests emigration, preferably to a tropical destination of a stable governmental persuasion. This way, even if you don’t understand what the SA politician on satellite TV is saying (and you won’t), at least you’ll be insulated from the consequences thereof by 5000 miles of ocean and a progressive extradition treaty.